August 3rd was the last I posted, and here I am, nearly 5 in the morning on Feb 1st as I’m writing. There have been a lot of changes in the past few months, and more than a few realisations.
Things that have changed:
I’m in university now. My first year has 3 more months left in it.
I have what I think are genuine friends.
I’m in a relationship, though it’s mostly one-sided.
Things that I have realised:
I don’t care.
I only have the slightest passion for things.
The thought of dying crosses my mind far too often.
The thought of the people around me dying doesn’t bother me very much.
Things I’m struggling with:
Finding myself.
Getting out of bed period.
Differentiating reality from imagination.
Things that haven’t changed:
My family.
This post is short, or will be short by the time I’m done with it. The reason for this writing is that I was having troubles falling asleep, troubles staying in bed, trouble feeling. So I took a walk in the cold outside, hoping to feel something. But aside from a biting wind and eventual numbness, I didn’t. I stood on the bridge that leads to the rest of campus for a little while, may have been 10 minutes…maybe 15 I don’t know and I don’t care, staring at the inky water below. What answers I had hoped to find there? What questions did I see in the depths? The cold surface of the water 20 metres below me had nothing to offer. As the sky grew lighter, I saw the reflections of the dead trees with their snow-laden boughs, and the small sheets of ice floating downstream. I spit, and the small glob of saliva disappeared before it hit the water. And it was silent save for the beeping of a snow-plough.
There was nothing for me there. And nothing for me here. I won’t jump quite yet, but that thought is always at the back of my head. It’s just getting louder and louder.
